Hello friends and howdy part two from Dallas! Nothing too crazy to report here from my end, although I did try veganism for a week. I definitely learned a lot, but mainly that it is not for me in this chapter of my life. But boy, are there so many delicious vegan substitutes nowadays! And you can keep on reading for some even more delicious morsels like:
A Personal History in Dallas
How to Lose the Time War
More Ways to Stay Connected
When to End a New Relationship
For the second week in Dallas, I wanted to give you all a bit of personal history. Not mine, but Rebecca Allen's via the I'm From Driftwood Archives. If that name sounds familiar to you, it's because I used a story from there for Scehectady as well. This website has so many incredible stories, many from Dallas, and I wanted to include this one for its honesty and hope. I also encourage you to go to the website and search for your hometown or state; you could find something cool!
I was raised Southern Baptist, like so many other Southerners. One thing was made very clear in my religious education: homosexuality was a one-way ticket to Hell. So you can imagine the horror I felt when I realized in 3rd grade that I liked my best girl friend the way the other girls liked boys. I stuffed it down, and as I grew into middle/high school I became very promiscuous – with guys. I did everything I could to prove to myself it wasn't true, and I prayed every night for hours for God to take it from me, because I was so scared I would go to Hell, but I couldn't seem to shake the feelings I was having about other girls.
Then I met Brianna at the age of 16, and the first time I kissed her, the whole world shattered. I could no longer deny what I knew about myself…I was a lesbian. Brianna and I were together for about a year before our parents caught on. That was an unfortunate incident in itself. Bri's mother came home early from work and found us sleeping in her bed together. On top of the covers. Naked. Needless to say there was a lot of screaming, and she called my parents to tell them what happened. So I didn't really have to "come out" for myself. I was threatened with a "Pray the Gay Away" camp, so I threw myself back into the hetero scene, marrying my best guy friend at the age of 21. He knew I was gay, but we really cared about each other, so we thought we could make it work. You can guess how that ended, but I did get two beautiful children out of the deal. By the time we got divorced, he had turned into a raging alcoholic and I had fallen in love with his best friend's wife (a love that was returned, for a while), so it was just a big mess. That fell apart (how could it not?) and I moved states to return to my hometown.
Obviously, I had to come out again to my folks as an independent adult and found that it really wasn't any easier. They have struggled with it because of their religious beliefs, but I truly think they have made some major headway in accepting who I am and seeing it's so not a choice. At least we're moving in the right direction, and I am so very thankful for that.
After a few failed attempts at relationships, I met my partner online of all places. I could not find a more devoted, sweet-souled person. We have been together ever since, raising the kids as our own, and I am finally in a place where I can be honest with myself and others around me about who I am. Now I'm working on my degree and my writing career, as well as being an LGBT activist. My life is so full and so wonderful…I would not change a thing.
You can be gay AND happy. AND successful. AND fulfilled. For everyone out there still struggling, hang in there, baby. We're all behind you.
This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone
I read this book a week or two back and was so distracted by Cowboy Carter that I totally forgot to write about it! I'd seen this book on a few lists of sci-fi/lgbtq books and picked it up at a Barnes & Noble, and with such a memorable cover, how could I forget about it? Then, a few weeks ago, a cast mate of mine was reading it and gave it to me after he was done.
The plot revolves around two opposing warriors in a time war who leave letters for each other throughout time and space. It's a fascinating structure as each chapter alternates between a letter and the finding of said letter. The book follows the two as they begin to develop feelings for each other and the consequent ramifications. The prose is beautiful and poetic, and it reminds me of the sort of letters that Victorian women wrote to each other. Each piece of writing oozes sapphic longing and is even more beautiful than the last. The book doesn't quite follow a direct narrative (because it's about time travel) but moves languidly through their relationship, and the ending is beautifully satisfying. So, if you're looking for a quick, refreshing love story, give it a read.
As a part two to last week's musing about getting rid of Instagram, I wanted to explore other ways to share things and find connection. You know, in ways that Meta doesn't orchestrate. At its core, sharing something is about connection, and connection is what makes us feel safe and cared for. How much more meaningful would it feel to get a message that said, "I saw this and thought of you, and here's why," rather than just a meme with no context? While there is definitely value in those sort of low-lift connections, the former says, "I really thought about you and wanted to reach out to you in a more intimate way." So I wanted to explore some other ways to let those we care about know that.
Texting: Texting can either be remarkably intimate or not. With people who you're in frequent conversation, texting can be the least intimate of the ways you engage with them, but to someone who you only have a social media relationship, texting suddenly becomes a much more intimate form of communication.
Email: Email tends to be a bit impersonal for my taste, but for long form messages and pictures, it sorta can't be beat. Especially if you're sending them to lots of people. My grandfather writes lovely emails with pictures about the travels he's taking and I love receiving them and seeing what he's up to.
Phone Calls/FaceTimes: As a classic millennial, I loathe phone calls, but I love a FaceTime. Something about the ability to see someone's facial expressions eases me into communication. And a FaceTime requires you both to have full attentiveness. Or at least if you're not being fully attentive, it's much harder to hide.
Letters: I love a handwritten letter far more than I write them. But there's something to be said for the meditative process of sitting down and writing to someone you love. It says, "I took time out of my day to really sit and formulate my thoughts for you in this way." And of course, you have to spend money on stamps, which, like, don't forget the stamps.
Coffee Dates: This is the most high lift option sure, but also my favorite. I love a coffee catch up with a friend and even more, a new friend. However they can be a bit uncomfortable at first, but as I've said before, that discomfort is nothing to run away from! Asking a new friend to a coffee date shows them that you want to invest in them as someone you could see being friends with, which is such a compliment!
What are some other ways that you like to connect with people or share things without social media? Did I miss some??
Dear gb: How long should you give the beginning of a relationship before deciding if it's for you or not?
Dear friend: What a good question. Unfortunately, it's a question that I don't think I can answer for you, but I think I can give you some benchmarks and frameworks that can help you answer it yourself!
There is no definitive timeline for a relationship, beginning, middle, or end. I'd advise you to really tune into what feelings you're having that are making you question the success of this early relationship. Most people know pretty quickly on a first date whether or not someone is 'for them' or not. But as we go on a few dates and start to learn about the other person, we get a much more complex picture of what our future partner may really be like. And, of course, we will never stop learning about our prospective partners. However, we can find out what traits they have that may help you as you learn about them. The biggest thing I look for is how they like to communicate. I am an over-communicator, so I need someone who matches the depth and frequency at which I like to explore my feelings. But there are so many other traits to look for, such as honesty, if they make you laugh, compassion, and fun. Look for traits that will sustain you down the line. And if you don't see those traits then that may be a sign to end the relationship.
One big red flag I'll warn you about is the seductiveness of passion and intensity. Oftentimes, we end a relationship because we think that it doesn't have the 'spark' that we are told to be on the lookout for. Perhaps your new partner doesn't make you as turned on as an ex you had, or the two of you don't do as exciting things as you've done in the past. It is really common for unhealthy behaviors to be remembered as exciting and passionate. What you may be viewing as boring is actually something really healthy: stability. We aren't always used to this, so navigating what it feels like can be a challenge, especially when you're looking for something a bit more fiery.
Casey and I even navigated this at the beginning of our relationship. We felt as though we were incredible partners, but also as though some part of the spark we were supposed to be looking for in a potential partner was missing at times. We also were both coming out of very tumultuous relationships, so our level of calm stability felt foreign and a little scary to both of us as we started building our relationship together. Looking back, we both are so grateful that we didn't let that fear guide our choices, as that partnership is the bedrock for what we view as the successes of our relationship.
I hope those helped; as I said above, there's no set time, but if you can listen to your gut, decipher what is real and what's circumstantial, and then make a decision, I think you'll be just fine. Just remember to always communicate well, whether with yourself or letting this new relationship down easy.
That's all from me y'all! Next week i'll be writing you from the Aiden Hotel in Austin (I will have to forgive them for misspelling my name).
Thanks for the book recommendation! I'll check it out!
I'm definitely going to have to check out This Is How You Lose the Time War.. I feel like I had heard of it before but just didn't really allow it to become permanently ensconced on my radar. Thanks for the recommendation!