Comfort? Never Heard of Her...
A fun little shake up from last week....
Hi friends! Happy Wednesday! This is an exciting week because I was asked to write an essay for The Queer Love Project, and it comes out today! I'll be sending it out directly either Friday or Saturday to y'all, but if you're eager, you can head to The Queer Love Project and get an early read. Also, a little bit of housekeeping: I'm not going to be posting about politics for a little bit. There's so much out there right now, and in my opinion, there's no use hypothesizing or making plans based on conjecture. If you want politics, you can find it easily. This is going to be a place of recharge, and that stuff will come back when it needs to, but I do not think that time is right now. What is this time for? It's for:
Some Violent Delights
Uncomfortable Guitar
Uncomfortable Friends
FKA Twigs
I'm breaking an unofficial rule of mine by writing about a piece of art I haven't finished consuming yet. But in the spirit of discomfort, I thought that the book I am currently reading fits perfectly. It's called These Violent Delights and is written by Micah Nemerever. Without giving too much away, the plot follows two boys in college in 1970s Pittsburg as they fall in 'love'? It's some of the most beautiful prose I've read in a long time, but also some of the most disturbing content. It's also such a dark portrayal of love, but somehow it doesn't quite feel as self-hating as most Queer books that deal with violence. The violence that these two boys explore stems from their own personal and historical darkness but not from self-loathing for being gay, which is refreshing. A lot of people I've talked to have said that they didn't or couldn't finish it, which is why I'm putting it in today's edition. It is very much a piece that forces you to confront your own comfort levels and asks us all the lengths we'd go to feel something. I'll add a postscript somewhere when I've finished.
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone
If you've been reading attentively over the last few months, you'll know that I'm really trying to focus on just one thing at a time. I'm trying to let boredom dictate what I want to do and refocus my passion on acting again. In the spirit of that, I picked up my guitar recently when I saw a casting call come up that I was interested in. I told my agents I was interested in, and their response was, "Well, you'd have to play guitar." So, what did I do? I promptly told them, "Good thing I play guitar." A bold statement. I submitted a tape of a fine rendition of "Take Me To Church" and thought that would be the end of the story. To my surprise, my agent responded and said, "Keep playing, callback Monday, details to come". Then, on Thursday morning, I got the sheet music that I was supposed to play in four short days.
I sat down at the kitchen table and promptly had a very small anxiety attack. I uploaded the sheet music to Chat GPT and had it break down exactly what I was seeing on the page and how to translate that to my nascent guitar fingers. Over the next four days, I learned it, played it slowly, got it up to speed (messily), and didn't stop listening to the music for those 96 hours. Shoutout to Casey for not leaving me based on how often he heard those 32 bars.
But there were so many times when I wanted to text my agents to pull out. Not only was it the hardest guitar piece I'd ever played, but it was also the highest I'd ever had to sing. I had a head cold that made me lose my voice; my family was in town, and I had events every night. When it rains, it really does pour.
Then I had an idea. If I wrote about this as a way of overcoming hard things, then this wasn't an audition; it was just an experiment for my writing. And the other piece that made it easier was thinking this wasn't the final product of my guitar playing; this was the first guitar audition of many. And when is your first anything ever very good?
So, I woke up on Monday with a mountain of anxiety and stress. I cycled through singing, playing, meditating, stressing, and back to playing. But I showed up. I showed up sweaty and breathing deeply. The other guys there were all guitar players. I was intimidated, but I couldn't leave. I went in, played, messed up, kept going, and left with my head held high. I do not believe I'll move forward with the project AT ALL. But I was so happy it was done and so proud that I hadn't backed out that all I felt afterward was happiness and pride. That was a shock. I'd expected to feel embarrassed or ashamed, but due to the reframing, I just enjoyed the sunshine and headed home. And the first thing I did was pick up my guitar again and keep playing.
I don't think I'll ever be an excellent guitar player, but I'll be better tomorrow than I was yesterday, and that's a much better metric of success than whether or not I messed up a few notes or not. And when I think about it, when I first got that sheet music, my only thought is, "There's no way I can do this." But I did, and it gave me something to write about. This year has taught me that I can do a lot of things I didn't think I was able to do: tour again, phone bank, canvas, have hard conversations, and a lot more. And I bet you can do a lot of things you're afraid of, too. So take a moment and think about it; what can you do?
Dear gb, One of my partner’s closest friends I’m having some trouble with. It’s not like they’ve done anything terrible-I just don’t vibe with them and it is so draining being around them. I don’t want to make my partner upset, but it’s hard to pretend I don’t have a problem with them. How can I bring this up without sounding awful?
Hey friend, this is a really challenging position that you're in. We are never going to be friends with everyone, and while we hope that we'll love our person's people, sometimes we won't, and that's okay. Let's start with the friend before we dive into your relationship.
Does this friend make you uncomfortable in all situations, or are there particular scenarios that put this relationship under pressure? If it is a specific occurrence, then I would recommend trying to find ways to avoid that particular thing with that friend. If that friend makes you uncomfortable in all situations, are there ways that you can still put on a good face while with this person? If you know that they'll be around, can you steel yourself to be with them? It might not be fun, but it might go a long way in helping your relationship with your partner.
In terms of bringing it up, this is going to be a hard conversation to have. I'd recommend framing the conversation around wanting to talk in order to become closer to said friend or to become closer to your partner. Also, give your partner some grace; if it's the first time they're hearing this, they might get defensive or sad (hence the framing). Don't just bring it up to complain about their friend.
If it's the first, ask your partner what they love about that friend. Really get to the bottom of why they are so important to them. Then try to see if you can see those things in them, too. And if you're framing it as trying to get closer to your partner, then you can be frank about how you don't love spending time with that friend but that you want to make a good showing for your partner because you love them. In that situation, maybe brainstorm good environments that work for all of you. Seeing a movie, show, or large group activity is great because you can be around them in a more manageable amount. In the end, there's no point in pretending to like someone you don't, but there's a lot to be said for extending kindness and showing up for your partner and the people that they love too.
I have been listening to FKA twigs on repeat for the past few days. I've been a fan of hers for many years due to her avant-garde performance style and incredible music. She's always pushed boundaries, but the singles off her upcoming album, Eusexua, take it to a whole nother level. I've attached two music videos, "Cellophane," an old favorite, and the title song from the upcoming album, "Eusexua." Watch them, you won't be disappointed. Or just listen (link below) and let her vocals take you somewhere far away.
Alrighty folks, that is all from me until the weekend. Stay joyous and stay growing.
All my love, Aidan