How Important Is It To Care, Really?

And what to do if you're not so sexual?

Hello friends, and welcome to the first edition that I'm writing on tour! We are currently teching the show in Minneapolis, where we will open and stay for a week before we're off to Ohio! Starting next week, I'll be highlighting one LGBTQ+ non-profit in each city to write about and adding a donation link. The dream would be if everyone were to donate five dollars (25 cities is only $125 for the whole year). It would be a great way to mobilize, stay engaged, and give back!

Laphonza Butler: Laphonza Butler has officially become the first Black lesbian to openly serve in Congress and the first openly LGBTQ+ person to represent California. She is also only the third black woman to serve in the Senate, with Kamala Harris being the second. 

The Pope: "Pope Francis has indicated openness to blessing of same-sex relationships in the Roman Catholic Church, with caveats that such blessings should not become the norm and the unions should not be considered equivalent to marriage." So like while this is a motion forward from millenia of anti-gay doctrine, it's also a bit meh.

Delaware: The "gay and trans panic" defense has officially been banned in Delaware, becoming only the 17th state to do so. This defense can be used to urge leniency for violence against LGBT people due to a perpetrator "panicking" over discovering their victim's sexual orientation or gender identity. But what's really heartwarming about this story is that in the Delaware Senate, the bill passed unanimously among Republicans and Democrats!

Dianne Feinstein passed away last week at age 90. She was the longest-serving woman senator, and unfortunately, the end of her life was consumed by her inability to serve in the Senate and used as a lightning rod to call for term limits. I totally agree with this. No one should have to spend their final days worrying about the state of the country and the balance of power that will remain when they're gone. But for all her faults, I want to take this week to remember her contribution to gay history.

Feinstein started her political career in 1969 on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, where she served with Harvey Milk. They had a tense but respectful relationship, and she was the first person to find Milk's body after he and Mayor Moscone were assassinated. She was instantly thrust into the center of gay politics and claimed that the assassinations "helped form who I am and what I believe." She became the mayor, replacing Moscone, and governed for ten years until 1992 when she ran for Senate and won. 

During her tenure, she was a champion for gay rights in San Francisco. She helmed the response to the AIDS crisis, giving more of the SF city budget to AIDS protections than Reagan did for the entire country. However, she also authorized inhumane police raids of bathhouses in hopes of quelling AIDS, and yet the "San Francisco Model" became a gold standard for caring for AIDS patients. 

In the Senate, she opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. She co-sponsored the Employee Non-Discrimination Act to prohibit workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. She also voted against Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 2010, saying, "It makes no sense to ask our gay and lesbian soldiers to put their lives on the line, while at the same time asking them to live in the shadows." One of her final acts was sponsoring the Respect for Marriage Act, which Biden signed In 2022 to federally recognize same-sex marriage. She leaves behind an incredibly long legacy that wasn't without its issues, but what she did that I think is most incredible is that she found common ground and changed. She changed her mind and adapted to the times, and too frequently, we don't give people the space to do just that. 

Feinstein, as mayor, walking during a march in memory of Harvey Milk and Mayor Moscone the day after they were killed.

"Senator Feinstein stood with our community back when few others did, fighting for funding and action to combat the AIDS crisis when most elected officials chose to look away." 

-Equality California

We're starting the tour in Minneapolis because it's where the show takes place, and Bob Dylan once owned the theatre we're performing in (for those of you who don't know, Girl From the North Country is all Dylan's music). Next to the hotel we are staying at is a 50-foot-tall mural in his honor, and while it's not necessarily queer art, it is pretty and colorful! Brazilian muralist Eduardo Kobra painted the mural in 2015 as a private commission. The piece depicts Dylan in three phases of his life and includes the lyrics "the times they are a'changin’" to commemorate his life and legacy. 

This musing has been in my mind for a while, but it was a video I saw today about what about me-isms that really got me inspired to write about it. In our individualist society, do you remember the liberating freedom of not having an opinion about something? I've started owning that and saying it recently, and it really is quite a freeing experience (although a little scary, too). Today, it's almost a new social faux pax to be uninformed about something. I mean, with the infinite resources of the internet, what excuse could you have for not knowing everything about everything at all times?

Someone asked me recently if I was upset about the upcoming Snow White drama and how everyone now hates Rachel Ziegler (the actress playing Snow White). I had a) not heard of the drama and b) didn't really care, and I said just that. They proceeded to inform me, which was great, but I still had no opinion because it didn't affect me in the slightest. However, I was instantly concerned because I had thought everyone liked her. The subtext to my thinking was, "Oh no, have I missed someone doing something terrible and therefore I'll be terrible by association since I still like said person who is now canceled." 

So, it can be a vulnerable thing to say, but I think we should all say it more often. It can be really valuable to not care about things that don't affect us. But don't use this for bad. Definitely care about things that are important and timely and stay engaged. But there is just so much noise out there now, and we have to be able to take a step back so we don't contribute to the mindless chaos. And that way, we can also take the time to think things over and make up our own minds when we aren't concerned about having an opinion instantly. If it doesn't concern you, then you really don't need to have an opinion about it, and you certainly don't need to post that opinion online. 

What is something you saw recently online that you felt you should have an opinion about even though it doesn't affect you? Do you find yourself frequently getting worked up about similar things? Does your emotional well-being suffer from what you see online that doesn't have an immediate impact on your life?

Minnesota actually has two famous musicians who call it home: Bob Dylan and Prince. Prince was born and raised in Minneapolis, and it played a huge role in shaping his career and musical identity. He honed his sound in the late 1970s in Minneapolis's local clubs, and his first band would play all around the city. His 1984 film and album "Purple Rain" was filmed in Minneapolis and featured many local landmarks, such as the First Avenue Nightclub. But his most visible connection to the city is Paisley Park, his home and creative sanctuary. Inside was his recording studio, and now it's been converted into a museum where fans from around the world go to to tour the space and attend events and concerts. 

Dear gb: when it comes to first impressions, I feel like I am often written off in the gay community because I don't lead with cruisey or sexual energy. How do I combat that? Or is it everyone else's problem? It gets annoying having to wait for a third or fourth encounter with a group for them to appreciate the (non-sexual) things I have to offer.

Dear friend, this sounds like it must be a really frustrating experience for you, first and foremost. I think you know this based on the question, but it bears repeating that none of this is your burden to bear. It's what you have to navigate, yes, but it is not your responsibility to carry the shittiness of superficial gay culture. So many gay men write off new acquaintances because they don't want to have sex with them and also aren't super accustomed to making non-sexual friends. How can you find a way to use that to your advantage? If you're not looking for sex, that's also a totally fine thing to say upfront. And if it's just friends, then you can lead with the non-sexual things that you mentioned and practice patience til you find the people who really lift you up for those traits. 

Since certain social elements are unchangeable, I'd ask: how can you make this problem a strength? Are there friendships you can make because you don't lead with cruisey energy? That doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want to have sex with whoever you're encountering, but I'd bet you can achieve deeper levels of connection with people when sex isn't the first hurdle to overcome. And since you find yourself getting annoyed with waiting around for these friends to wake up to your attributes, are there elements of the more sexual sides of gay culture that you enjoy at all and can engage in? I'm not advocating for you to change your personality to fit in, but to explore the ways in which these unfulfilling friendships might help you think outside the box and find new ways to connect. Then, once you've gathered some of that data, you can reflect on whether those things are things you want to keep or let go of. Either way, it sounds like you have a really firm grasp on who you are and how you interact with gay culture, and that's a beautiful thing to hold on to. 

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That's all from me for this week folks, stay tuned for next week which might have a little bit different format, get excited!