I F*cking Love Being Gay

A love letter for whoever needs it.

Hello friends, and happy Wednesday! For those of you expecting to read “My Brain on Drugs!” I hate to disappoint you, but I’ve been inspired to write a little something different this week. “My Brain on Drugs!” will be coming out next week (probably). There’s also just the Main Course this week, but I assure you it’s a Tasting Menu, Main Course, and Sweet Treat all wrapped up in one.

If you’re new here and looking for more unabashedly gay content direct to your inbox every week, I hope you’ll subscribe. Writing this sort of stuff is what keeps me going and building this community has given me more joy than I can adequately express. Thank you for being here.

Yesterday, I realized that Casey and I are about six months out from our wedding. The planning of which has been really interesting because we are doing so much of it on our own, and while it’s been so exciting, it’s also been stressful. So I went back and looked at the pictures from when we got engaged and ended up posting this to Substack Notes.

And wow, has it really taken on a life of its own. All day yesterday, I was inundated by the sweetest messages and comments. I was utterly blown away by the avalanche of love coming from some new Substack friends and many new Substack strangers. Other Queer couples shared wedding advice, some shared their own love stories, family members shared stories of their Queer relatives, and there were so many adorable wedding shots. But one message really stuck with me.

A mother commented, “This is what I want for my son so badly, a beautiful, loving relationship. He’s fifteen years old and dealing with so much at school, and we try to be as supportive as possible, but he says we just can’t get it because we’re straight. It breaks my heart and I just wish he had role models nearby.”

I wrote her a lengthy reply, but all day I kept thinking about her comment. Finally, I sat down last night to write a new article, something that had already been mulling around in my head for a few weeks now, in the hopes that anyone who needs to see this will do so.

Because we need messages like this more than ever.

I absolutely and unequivocally love being gay.

I have a lot of traits that define me. I’m from Hawaii, I’m tall, I’m creative, I’m a Libra, I’m the youngest child of four, I’m a really deep feeler, but above it all, I’m gay. Being gay is my ultimate superpower, and it is the thing about myself that I am most grateful for. Even as soon as I came out in high school, it became my whole personality, and in the intervening years, nothing has changed (I even still have those socks).

National Coming Out Day that I organized in 2012 (just two months after I’d publicly come out)

I’ve never been able to explain why being gay brings me such a sense of peace and clarity. But, when I am wracked with existential dread or fears about death, I think about those who’ve come before me: Harvey Milk, Bayard Rustin, Frank Kameny, Alan Turing, and the immeasurable lives lost to AIDS. Somehow, inexplicably, thinking about those men and the lives that they led brings me peace. When I’ve been in historic gay spaces like Fire Island, PTown, or Sitges, I can almost feel the tangible energy that links me back to so many men who’ve come before. And those men didn’t fight alone. Knowing the fights that all my Queer forebears have gone through, like Marsha P Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, and Cecilia Gentili, inspires me to get up every day and champion equal rights for all Queer people.

However, it isn’t all about existential connections and strength because being gay has also brought me more joy than that 16-year-old above could have ever imagined, here’s how:

I Fucking Love Being Gay

• I love rainbows.

• I love kissing boys.

• I love my lil’ limp wrists.

• I love strutting around in heels.

• I love watching Drag Race every week.

• I love disco and letting myself dance with abandon.

• I love that casual hookups have turned into dear friends.

• I love exploring my femininity & embracing my masculinity.

• I love that every single letter of the Queer community inspires me to be a better person.

• I love that my relationship with gayness influences my relationship with queerness and vice versa.

• I love being able to reclaim the word “faggot” after hearing it yelled at me on darkened streets.

• I love that the Queer community is one that rallies around love, joy, and hope in the face of darkness and is not one that rallies around hate and division.

• I love seeing another Queer couple in passing and smiling at them to let them know that I’m happy they’re there.

• I love having intergenerational gay friendships who teach me about the history we were never taught in school.

• I love the feeling of stumbling across a gay character in a book and falling in love with them because they’re a little bit of me.

• I love that the Queer community is dedicated to self-work, and has made me think critically about my privilege and the space that I take up in the world.

• I love that being gay has introduced me to the most interesting, inspiring people I’ve ever met.

• I love my connection to our secret gay history, reading about hidden bars or cruising locations that have now been covered up by capitalism.

• I love knowing that thanks to Grindr, I always have a network of Queer people nearby, and not just for sex.

• I love that we make our own Queer spaces, and we make them feel like homes for those who don’t have them anymore.

• I love that even in rural areas, I’ve met Queer people who show defiance and bravery that floors me.

• I love that our method of resistance is not to hate more but to love harder, dance in the streets, and make our joy even more visible together.

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Now what’s at the heart of all of these things is connection. Being gay has brought me closer to so many people, and when I feel lonely, it’s those relationships that lift me up. Being gay has led me to new friendships, new mentors, new experiences, new jobs, new lovers, new heartbreaks, and so much more, but what I’m most grateful for is that it has led me to the man that I am going to marry and given me countless tools that I use daily as he and I create the life we want to live forever. What a gift that is.

And yet, I know that my experience, the way I interact with gayness, and the love I feel towards being gay is not the reality for everyone. I know that there are so many huge things that need improvement within the gay community, within the Queer community, and within the world at large. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard and that my privilege means I could turn away and be safer within the confines of the same gayness that I love.

But I will never stop fighting for a better tomorrow. Not just for gay men but for all Queer people.

And today, I want to let any Queer person reading this know that being gay has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know that your queerness can be the best thing that has ever happened to you too.

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