How to Find Real Happiness When Winter's Got You Down
The science-backed, 5-step approach to unlocking real joy.
Last week really took a toll on me.
The sudden drop in temperature, the constant gloom and rain, and the afternoon darkness are all conspiring to bring me down.
So, naturally, during this time of year, I do as much as I can to lift my spirits. I start meditating again, I prioritize friends, I exercise every day, and I even bought a sad lamp. All things I thought would make me feel better as I stare ahead at this cold, wet winter.
But then I stumbled on a podcast that illuminated why some of the actions haven’t actually helped me access that joy I’m craving.
Dr. Judith Joseph’s five Vs: validation, venting, values, vitals, and vision, actually gave me an actionable blueprint to practice this winter. The best part is that it’s not a one-size-fits-all approach; these research-backed techniques are fully customizable to each of us.
So, if you’ve been feeling a bit more down than usual, or know someone who is struggling, I promise this article will help change your mindset around happiness.
How do I know?
Because it did that for me.
Now, let’s dive in.
Dr. Judith Joseph is a psychiatrist who runs the Happiness Lab at Manhattan Behavioral Medicine. She wrote High Functioning, a first-of-its-kind book about high-functioning depression, and leads an all-female research team.
So, obviously, I’m obsessed with her and her approach to happiness.
We are told that there are so many ways to be happier. The entire self-help industry is built upon that tenet: that if you just do xyz, then you will be happier. If you take long walks and exercise, if you practice gratitude, if you fix your sleep routine, and if you adjust your relationship to work. These make it seem like happiness is just within reach, and if you can’t find it, that’s a personal failing.
But this framework misses one big thing. It doesn’t address the why.
You can meditate until your back starts to ache, but Dr. Judith says that if you don’t address the underlying issues, then you won’t actually step closer to happiness. You need to know your why. Once you have that, it’s so much easier to actually build towards something rather than just doing things because you’ve been told they will make you feel better.
It’s also important to note here that she doesn’t define happiness as a singular state of being. She defines happiness as points of joy. So the more points of joy that you have, the happier you are. These points can even be something like “I’m feeling less depressed today.” Clocking that less feeling can be a huge point of joy. This reframe helped me unlock so many more points of happiness throughout my day. Now I’m not striving for a state of being, I’m just collecting little points!
So what is the secret to finding more of those points? Let’s unpack her five Vs, and explore how you can tailor them to your life in order to find some much-needed happiness.
1. Validation
The very first step is validation. In certain circles, validation can sound like a dirty word, but in this context, it is vital to understanding and embracing how you’re actually feeling. Are you someone who pushes down their own needs to please others? Are you someone who works themself to the bone while feeling undeserving of success? Are you someone who thinks they don’t deserve to be happy?
These are just a few common excuses we use to push down our own feelings. We ignore how we really feel in order to conform to certain societal obligations. After a lifetime of practice, it can be really hard to actually decipher how you feel.
So, ask yourself how you really feel. Don’t just pretend to do it, really dig deep and do some exploration. Talk to yourself in the mirror, record it in a voice note, maybe even write it down. Whatever you do, give yourself the time and space to really get to know your emotions because you can’t fix what you don’t allow yourself to feel.
2. Venting
Now that we’ve identified how we feel, it’s time to express those feelings. How can we get the emotions out of our bodies in healthy ways? Oftentimes, people think that venting is strictly for negative emotions, but in this case, think about it more like a pressure cooker. The steam builds up over time, and then you have to let it out slowly; otherwise, you’ll get an explosion. Our emotions work similarly.
Your form of venting can take whatever shape you’d like. It could be journaling, it could be prayer, it could be therapy, it could be talking to a friend, it could be screaming into a pillow, it could even be posting about it on social media, like Dr. Judith does. Whatever helps you actually get the emotions out is best.
Now, she does recommend that you let the initial emotions settle before this step, and to vent to yourself before bringing it to others. It can also be helpful to know your audience. It’s different when you’re venting to your partner vs. a therapist vs. a coworker. Respecting these relationships can keep it in the bounds of healthy venting and not trauma dumping.
3. Values
Now that we’ve detangled the present a bit, it’s time to look to the past. But there’s a reason why this is step three. It requires the self-knowledge from step one and the emotional cleansing of step two.
Identifying your values gives you a clear framework to build your life around. This process reminds you of what you actually enjoy, and then you can determine if you have enough of it in your life or not. Dr. Judith recommends we start by asking ourselves: when was the last time you really felt full and fed?
I’m going to level with you, this question is really fucking hard. I had to think long and hard and unpack some deep insecurities to figure it out. But that’s the joy of self-discovery, you get to take your time and really explore. For some of her clients, the answer to this lies all the way back in childhood. That’s not a sign you’re living a bad life; it just means that your access to joyous moments has been deeply blocked.
Once you can identify a full and fed moment, figure out what circumstances contributed to it feeling so good. Then identify whether or not those circumstances are still present in your life today. If they’re not, I bet it would be really wonderful to reintroduce them.
P.S. - If you can’t think of any moments, Dr. Judith advises imagining someone you’d love to have coffee with, anyone in the world, living or dead. Who’s the first person that comes to mind? Then think about what attributes they have that you admire.
4. Vitals
Dr. Judith affectionately calls the fourth step the annoying one. She likens it to going to the doctor and having them check your vitals. No matter how we look at it, we only have one body in this life, and it’s our great gift and responsibility that we get to take care of it through two big categories: traditional and non-traditional.
The traditional ways are all the things that your doctor would tell you. Are you eating enough? Are you exercising enough? Are you sleeping enough? Very little in our modern society is actually tailored to help us exist healthily. Our diets are full of highly processed foods, which contain additives that increase inflammation and slow our mental processes. Our cities and towns are built around cars, reducing our inclination towards natural exercise. Our sleep is disrupted by screens, caffeine, and sugar. It’s all an uphill battle.
But then there are the non-traditional things to pay attention to that your doctor won’t talk about, like screen time, work-life balance, and your relationships. There’s no doubt that screen time is a detrimental force on our mental health (so much so that next week I’m doing a deep dive into the first tool that’s actually helped me curb my phone usage). Our work-life balances are also changing because, as many people are still working from home, our boundaries between the two are practically nonexistent. But it’s this last piece that’s the most important.
The number one indicator of your happiness is the quality of your relationships. Read that again. It’s that important. So, before you start any of this, think about the relationships that fuel you and the ones that could use a bit more nurturing; those are the best places to start.
5. Vision
In order to build a sustainable habit, you have to know where you’re going, and that is where this final step comes into play. Now that you’ve done some self-work, expressed your emotions, found out what you value, and are taking care of your mind-body connection, it’s time to dream.
This is the best step! You get to imagine what your life could look like if it had more joy in it. What did you find in step three? Maybe you found you missed nature, or music, or dancing. Put those on your calendar. Make time for joy. Schedule a walk, buy tickets to a concert, and plan to go out on a Saturday night. Dr. Judith says that we need these things to look forward to; otherwise, it’s very easy to get stuck in the past.
Once you’ve put some of these on the calendar, find ways to make them tangible, get creative! She also talks about how many cultures use shrines to give certain concepts a physical manifestation. Having something tangible engages all the senses, which is vital to creating more concrete memories and emotional ties. While this might feel a bit silly at first, that means you’re doing something different, and different is where change happens. So, give it a try, surprise yourself.
We are living in a time where happiness feels very hard to find. I’ll be real with you. But even so, I can still find moments of joy throughout my days. They may be dim or fleeting, but they are so precious. And rewiring my understanding of happiness in this way actually makes me feel accomplished rather than striving for some unattainable emotion.
Dr. Judith’s method also gives me more grace and understanding for those around me dealing with anxiety and depression on a scale I am not. So often we try to help people by offering up fixes, but how often do we give them the space to explore how they’re really feeling and then the permission to authentically express it? I know I don’t.
Because everyone’s mental health journey is different, and we are all going to need a bit more grace as the winter months and this insufferable presidency stretch on. We need to nurture our relationships so that we can then explore all the other things that make life worth it. We need to treasure our connection whenever and wherever we can.
Not in some heady, esoteric way, but in little moments every single day. I promise you, it’s within your reach. So start today with validation. Go look in the mirror and really ask yourself, “How am I feeling today?”
Because we all deserve to be happier.
You deserve to be happier.
If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs it, especially if they’ve been a bit quieter lately. The more we fill our own cups, the more we can pass that along to others.
So, I hope you have a joyous week, and I’ll talk to you on Friday!
Bonus!
If you don’t want to start from scratch, paid subscribers can see my unedited answers to all five Vs below; they’re vulnerable and messy, but they helped me get unstuck. It’s your little cheat sheet to get started.
