Queering The Rocky Steps

And How to Have Sex With Your Friends Pt. II

Hi friends! Coming at ya from our second week in the city of Brotherly Love. Did you know that it is called that because William Penn chose the name as a combination of the Greek words for love (phileo) and brother (adelphos) in the hopes it would live up to that name? The title this week comes from a conversation I had with my friend Katie about queering straight spaces, especially here in Philly (hence the steps). And to further explore the nuances of language, I must add a correction from last week's musing: neither of my parents thought I was joking when I came out to them. They both wanted to make sure I knew that (which I did; I just wasn't too clear in my writing). And now that our linguistics lesson is over, let's dive into some: 

• SisterSpace 

• Giovanni's Room: The Store 

• Swearwords

• How to Have Sex With Your Friends Pt. II (this one is a good one)

In the interviews I've been doing, a lot of people ask how I find or pick the nonprofits I do. I like to find ones that are hyperlocal and who can really use the awareness. And so what drew me to this week's nonprofit, SisterSpace, was their very specific mission, but they still make sure that they are hyperinclusive as well. SisterSpace exists to "provide women/nonbinary sisters the opportunity to build personal, leadership and organizational skills through participation in educational, cultural, athletic and networking activities."

The main event that SisterSpace organizes is their Weekend Women's Festival, a three-day femme (I'm going to use femme to stand in for women/nonbinary sisters) only camping event. The event started in the 70s as a feminist women's self-defense weekend but now has evolved into a camping weekend full of music, workshops, parties, crafts, sports, and many opportunities for socializing, learning, and fun. Their agendas change with each year since the weekend is generated in part by SisterSpace and the community. The campground is nestled in the hills of Maryland with cabins and plenty of space to camp, too. The days are filled with music on multiple stages, spoken word, comedy, and performance art. They also have a sweat lodge and a sexuality space. The sexuality space is a safe space for adult femmes to witness and participate in consensual erotic play, with workshops that explore deepening intimacy as well. 

SisterSpace sounds like such an incredible organization, and the weekend sounds incredible. But what I love most is how it started as a feminist group and has expanded to make sure that it is inclusive of all those who fit within its constantly evolving definition of womanhood. It shows a loyalty to its roots and also a dedication to change and inclusion. I also think that we gay men can learn so much about consent and other activities that aren't centered around bars, drinking, or sex from the format of this weekend. I'm still having trouble fundraising on Instagram, so here's their link and my Venmo so we can get them some money! 

Yesterday, Casey and I went to Giovanni's Room, the oldest LGBTQ+ & Feminist bookstore in the country. I can't express how lovely it was to be in a space that was so Queer and felt so homey at the same time. I swear my blood pressure dropped simply by walking in the front door. We spent a while perusing their extensive selection of books, new and used, Queer and not. The store itself feels like a home, with two winding staircases, clothes for purchase in each Room, art on the walls, and boxes for sale. Flags drape over the banisters, and rainbows adorn every wall, mirroring the brightly painted crown molding. So naturally, I thought this would make a perfect selection for the history of Philadelphia. So instead of me telling you, I'll let the store tell you a little bit about itself. 

"Giovanni's Room was founded in 1973. Paralleling the growth of Philadelphia's "out" community and the expansion of publishing in its subject areas, the store has doubled three times from its beginning on South Street to its present two buildings (one a double trinity from the 1820s, the other a mom-and-pop store & house from the 1880s) on the corner of South 12th and Pine Streets.

Giovanni's Room is the traditional place from which to begin your visit to gay and lesbian Philadelphia. Its comfortable atmosphere in the middle of Center City, its maps, guides, and free advice anticipate a traveler's needs. You are sure to see books you have never seen before too. Giovanni's Room is special to Philadelphia and a comfortable place to start your visit to this beautiful, old city. With 7,000 titles on the shelves and a database of more than 48,000 titles in our specialties, Giovanni's Room stocks thousands more lesbian and gay books than the biggest superstore. The store's window displays create a street presence for LGBTers that's rare in any city. Crossing the store's threshold has had an extraordinary symbolic significance for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people coming out. Once inside, those people are greeted by an experienced, knowledgeable, and particularly friendly staff. Similarly, the store has special benefits for out-of-town visitors, people interested in the full range of gay and lesbian literature. More gay and lesbian lovers have met at Giovanni's Room than at any other area store. 

After 41 years of serving the LGBT community in Philadelphia, the store closed on May 17, 2014. Soon after, it was announced that Philly AIDS Thrift signed a two-year agreement to become the proprietor of Giovanni's Room. The new venture, which is called PhillyAIDSThrift@Giovanni's Room, will continue to sell LGBTQ books–both new and used–as well as clothing, bric a-brac, housewares, and art. On May 1, 2018, Philadelphia AIDS Thrift purchased the business and building from the former owner, thus securing the legacy of Giovanni's Room for future generations." 

As America seems to be careening towards a new era of religious/political morality, it got me thinking about the nature of swear words. This musing may seem pretty self-explanatory on the surface, but it's been on my mind a fair amount this past week, so I wanted to write about it. Of course, once I started to google about it, I was like, "Oh, well, this is so obvious." So many of them have to do with sex or sexual organs, and there's no way that's coincidental. The 'jump to conclusions' part of my brain instantly went to 'it's a societal construction to associate sex with bad things,' but it's deeper than that and harkens back to how we view morality as a society. 

Swears can be categorized into three different groups: sexual, bodily functions, and diety-based. This tells us that how we swear is more an indicator of what society considered polite through the ages. Things that were too reverent or inappropriate to be talked about in polite society became co-opted by those looking to shock and thus became swearwords. So, I guess the reason that these words became swears is more based on modesty rather than religion, although that modesty came, in large part, from the church. It makes me wonder what would have happened if religion (western Christianity and its subsets) had uplifted sex and sexuality as a normal and incredible aspect of the human condition and not something shameful and for child-rearing purposes only. Then what would our swear words look like today? 

What things do you think you hold sacred that could be used as swear words? What would swear words that don't fit into those three categories be? 

This is just a fun fact I found while doing some research: "The earliest record of typographical bleeping of the F-word is in an English legal document from 1698 detailing the arrest of Capt. Edward Rigby for attempting to "F-" another man." So we gays are responsible for the first bleeping!

Dear gb: platonic sex with your gay friends (those who are single or non-monogamous, anyone willing to have 'sanctioned' sex with you). Is it something that can actually work out? Is it really that simple? Or does one person always get feelings? How do you navigate sex with your gay friend group?

This is part two of my answer to this question, so if you didn't read last week's, check it out here first. There, I unpack the history around why gay men tend to be a bit more sexually promiscuous. Also, as my dad pointed out, platonic technically means nonsexual, not non-romantic like I thought, but it can also mean "of love or friendship," so I will keep using it in this context. 

Can platonic sex with your friends actually work out? The simple answer is yes, but it does take a bit of reframing how you may view sex. I think it's a byproduct of a romantic culture that says that sex always has to lead to a relationship or feelings. When in reality, exploring sex as a precursor to relationships can be a narrow view of all the different types of sex out there. There's relationship sex, sex with strangers, friend sex, sex with feelings, sex without feelings, sex to distract, sex to connect, and so many other kinds that offer different things to different people. When you let go of what you think sex should be, you get to explore what you want sex to be in your life. And when it comes to sex/relationships that aren't meant to 'go anywhere,' I like to think of them as plateaus. They appear, grow, level out, and then end at some point. And those types of relationships have so much value. Some of my most formative relationships have been ones where there was never the expectation of being a couple. 

Is it that simple? That being said, sex with friends isn't always simple. It still takes an amount of communication that you might not always be accustomed to, especially with friends. There are times when it can be really simple if both of you are on the same page, but sometimes, it might be more complicated and require navigation and clear boundaries. So, make sure that you talk with your friends about your expectations and their expectations. Down the line, it also might be useful to have a talk about what happens when one of you meets someone you want to date seriously. 

Does one person always get feelings? I don't think so. But of course, that is a definite possibility, and you should think through the roadmap of what that could look like before or early in this new type of relationship. Some people don't want to risk a friendship by having sex with someone, and for some, that isn't an issue. But it truly always, always comes down to communication. Clear communication is the easiest way to make sure that feelings don't get hurt and misunderstandings don't arise. And the possibility of feelings also depends on the kind of sex that you're having with your friend. A one-off drunken moment is different from a continuous sober thing, and everything in between thus creates different scenarios and different levels of feelings. Although sex is not usually the cause of feelings, it is more of a symptom, so maybe the feelings have been there all along. 

How do you navigate sex within your gay friend group? This answer is sort of a combination of all of the above. There's a lot of interconnection between gay friend groups and who has had sex with whom. So, I'd actually advise you to reframe your thinking and focus on your nonsexual friends first. Make sure that they don't find it messy that you're hooking up with someone. For example, let's say you have three friends, Person A, B, and C. Person A and B are good friends, and Person A starts having sex with Person C, but Person B and C have also had sex. In this case, Person A should have conversations with both Person B and C to make sure that it doesn't get too complicated or resentful. I've found and observed that in friend groups where multiple people are sexually involved, the conflict usually comes from the surrounding friendships and not necessarily between the two sexually involved parties. Friendship is vitally important and much more important than society gives it credit for. Make sure that you think about how the sex will affect the friend group overall in the short and long term. So go forward with fun, freedom, caution, and, above all, communication! 

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Well, friends, that's all for me this week. Next week, I'll be coming at ya from Boston, and then I'm off for a week to Hawaii for the wedding of one of my oldest friends! I hope you enjoyed it and as always...

All my love, Aidan