What A Trump Voter Taught Me In An Hour

It's not what you'd think...

Two quick things! One, I ran this entire article by my friend in question before publishing and two, if you’d like (the little heart above) or share this post it would mean the world to me!

Last week, along with about 70 million other Americans, Casey and I sat down to watch the first (and apparently only) debate between Harris and Trump. About halfway through, I faceplanted on the couch as he spewed lie after lie, and I kept repeating, "How can people believe this?" and I wasn't saying it rhetorically. I genuinely wanted to know how and if Trump voters really believe what he is saying. See, I try my best (when I have the emotional bandwidth) to seek out multiple sides of a story. After the debate, Casey and I made sure to watch not only the ABC coverage but also FOX's. However, seeking out diverse coverage of particular events doesn't give you the same constant ground-level messaging that's permeating the country. Beliefs take time and repetition to grow, and clearly, a large part of the country lives in an information sphere that's different than mine.

So I went into my DMs to find a message from a friend of a friend who had responded to my moderation article a few weeks back. I asked if she'd still be up to having a conversation about our opposing views, and she agreed! It took a few days for us to iron out our schedules, my agitated emotions from the debate settled down, and I felt I was ready to really listen openly. It also helped that neither of us are swing voters. This instantly lowered the stakes since neither of us had anything to gain from changing the other's mind. So even though it was hard, that further cemented my objective: to simply learn what was actually being said and believed in right-wing/conservative circles. I also wanted to do this because of Obama's speech during the DNC. He reminded listeners that fear and division are intentional tactics being used to divide the country and that we all have far more in common than the news is making it seem.   

And let me tell you, I learned a ton.

The Talk

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I hopped on my computer at one pm, and we started our call with a little nice small talk. The mood was light, there were lots of smiles, and we were both genuinely happy to be talking. The conversation started with our reactions to the debate and then looped around from tariffs to abortion, gun control, and more. I had paper and pen to take notes and my computer at the ready to make sure I had correct facts to back up my opinions and she did, too. Halfway through, she referenced something that she had looked up the night before because she also wanted to come to the conversation from a place of facts and information.

Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely challenging for both of us, though. When there were times when I wasn't sure how to phrase a question without sounding judgemental, she gave me the space to formulate my ideas. And when there were times when she didn't have a thought-out answer, I gave her the time to collect her thoughts as well. I frequently said that I didn't know what something meant or was, and she took the time to walk me through it. She helped me see how the right interprets certain policy decisions, and I illuminated the more emotional sides of the social issues at play. After a bit over an hour, we parted ways, thanking each other for the time and genuinely appreciative of the time we'd both carved out for each other.

What I Learned

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Setting Aside Judgement

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love to debate, and it is very hard for me to just listen with an open mind. I oftentimes had to stop myself from cueing up talking points or answers to what I was hearing. I just listened and accepted the silent air that sometimes came up as we navigated our differences. And she and I couldn't be more different. I'm a gay, young, atheist male in New York, and she's a straight, retirement-age, religious woman in Florida. The things that are important to me are not to her. And it was an important challenge for me not to judge or hold that against her so I could come to the table with empathy first.

Community is Key

Those defining characteristics above contribute to something else we talked about extensively: community. We are both motivated by our connections to our very different communities. When I brought up the fears that LGBTQ+ folk are feeling currently, she said, "of course you're worried about that, that is your community," but it's not hers. She is voting for things that will directly affect her community. She even said that while she may live in Florida, Climate Change isn’t as big an issue to her because she will have less time to experience it than I will. And if someone is that far removed from my community and community values, how can I make her care about it? And is it ethical to do so?

Fear Is Everywhere

In addition to being motivated by community, we also talked a lot about how fear is used as a motivator. As we waded into territory I didn't know much about, like tariffs; she informed me how the Trump tariffs helped financially handcuff antagonistic nations and how she felt the world was safer when he was in office since the Russia/Ukraine War and Isreal/Hamas War hadn't started yet. When I asked her how she compared global safety to the national safety threat of mass shootings, it ended up bringing us together over our shared hatred for the NRA and assault rifles.

Information is a Superpower

Throughout the conversation, I asked her about a lot of the lies that Trump loves to spew. She confirmed that she didn't believe the wild things he said and wished he hadn't gone down those paths during the debate. And while some of her facts were different than mine, the reality is that we both had a solid place to discuss from, which made it so we never let our emotions hinder our discussion. We had both done our research and, talked factually (with our own biased slants) and acknowledged our blind spots, which allowed for the conversation to happen at all. When I didn't know certain things, admitting that fact diffused some tense parts of the conversation. Recognizing your own lack of knowledge shows vulnerability and that you're invested in hearing what the other person has to say, not just telling. She said that she’s a “hold your nose voter” and that she wished Trump wasn’t the candidate, but she was still going to vote along her party lines. (Even though her morals of kindness and empathy frequently sounded Democratic to me).

Where Is The Line?

The biggest thing I grappled with during the conversation was when and how to push back. I see Trump as an existential threat to my rights as a gay man and to all my Queer siblings. But I didn't want to lead with that. I did want to use the talk to build empathy and vulnerably express my fears about the election. I did not want to let my emotions take me to a place that would make her defensive or unresponsive. Strong emotions have a place, of course, but this wasn't it, as I'm a big believer in bringing people together in order to bring them around. In most instances, I'd rather talk politely with facts than shout in defiance, while all in the name of constantly fighting for what I believe in. I know that not everyone shares that view and that my view is rooted in my whiteness and privilege, but I strive to use those born traits for good. I know that the advantages I’m born with give me the agency to engage in spaces where others can’t, and I want to use those moments as effectively as possible. And if that sometimes means not calling out a hypocrisy or two in the spirit of having a longer, more effective conversation, well, that’s what this experiment was for.

Differences Can Make You A Better Person

So, what now? Neither of us drastically altered our minds during this conversation, and neither of us changed our votes, so was it worth it, and to what degree?

The biggest things it did for me were diffuse my nerves about talking to people I don't agree with and flex my empathy muscles. Not everyone will be as respectful and informed as she was, but it showed me that I, Aidan, am more than capable of having these tough conversations, which I wasn't in 2020. And it gave me new things to think about. After the conversation, I had a list of things to research to become a more informed voter, and I'm going to take all this new information to go have more conversations. After our talk, I felt so inspired and confident that I signed up to go canvas in Pennsylvania this weekend.

So, while I didn't change a mind or sway a vote, I do think I put forward plenty of good points that I hope will sit with my friend in the lead-up to and after election day as she did with me. And beyond that, we both put in uncomfortable work to try to bring back civility and unity to modern-day politics. We might not agree on some very big things, but we did prove that we do have a lot in common. And I believe that she never would have heard my points if I'd just shouted them at her. Now, I will never stop fighting for what I believe in and progressive policies that improve the lives of all people, but I want to keep experimenting with the most effective ways to do so. This conversation deepened my convictions, informed my activism, and showed me firsthand how complex, messy, and hopeful this great American experiment can be.

With love always, Aidan