If You're Feeling Behind In Life, Read This.

How Queerness Affects our Timelines

Illustration by Me

There are few things more overwhelming to me than the feeling of being behind.

As a straight-A student at a rigorous college-prep school, I was always very aware of my performance in comparison with my peers. Once I went to theatre school, that comparison became harder to track, but no less apparent. And now, many years out of school, with my thirties looming, I'm not going to lie to you: sometimes I feel a bit behind. Without the framework of school, in a rapidly shifting world, and through a Queer lens, what metrics are left to define our lives by?

This is something I'm working on with my therapist: trying to frame all the things I have done as stepping stones rather than looking at all the things I haven't done as failures.

So, I want to take today to write about benchmarks, milestones, and the very fake belief that there is some timeline that we are all supposed to be on. Because there is no timeline for each of us. We get to make it up and go along, and maybe it will make sense looking back, and maybe it won't, but all that matters is the here and now.

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Why Do We Feel Behind?

I believe that this timeline journey starts at school. Immediately, we are faced with grades, class structures, awards, and countless other metrics to make sure that we're progressing as we should be. I was lucky to go to a Montessori school until 3rd grade, where the ethos is 'follow the child,' but that is a very complex undertaking that not all schools can achieve. There are standards that must be adhered to, and it becomes very clear when you excel or fall behind.

My middle and high school (not Montessori) had AP classes (that showed you were ahead) and classes you had to retake if you did poorly (which showed you were behind). Then, of course, there were rankings to see who would be valedictorian and salutatorian and various other end-of-year awards. I'm not saying that these are inherently bad, but they did really prime us for entry into a results-oriented society.

Because our society thrives on results and metrics to generate business. There have been so many pieces about the ways in which our labor is the very framework for American society. We don't prioritize rest; we don't prioritize anything that doesn't contribute capital to the overall well-being of corporations. Everywhere you look, there is praise for the exceptional and the young, 30 under 30 being a perfect example. We highlight those who are doing incredible things at a young age because the achievements are great, yes, but it also further cements this belief that if you haven't done anything incredible by 30, you might as well just stop trying.

There's even this video going around right now of an acting lecturer at Yale who says, "At 21, if you get a coach and coach for six months, then apply to NYU, Yale, and Julliard, and you don't get in. Just stop acting." What?! That is such terrible and elitist advice.

Then, of course, there's the social media of it all. Our feeds are full of people posting their accomplishments because why not? That's what it's there for. I do it. I post my accomplishments through the lens of whatever I want people to believe about me. I want to remind people I'm an actor? Post nice photos and pictures from galas. I want people to think I'm a writer? Post about Gay Buffet being #19 Rising in Culture (even if that number changes every single day).

Because nobody really wants to see how the sausage gets made. We want the finished product, but when you're looking at someone else's account, it just makes you feel less than because you're surrounded by finished products while you're stuck at home, grinding away in the mess.

The Queer Timeline

Queer people are affected by this sense of time a little more intensely than our straight counterparts because we do have a certain amount of delayed adolescence or adulthood. Due to coming out, many of us hit certain milestones later than the straights. Depending on when you came out, your first significant relationship could be years or decades behind a straight person. This is not necessarily a bad thing or a setback, but it does give us a unique perspective about time that is out of sync with society. But that can be a gift, too.

This is why I think Queerness is such a wonder and a challenge. We are allowed to make up our own structure and our linearity, as we have had to do for centuries. For some, this looks like a heteronormative pattern, settling down, having kids, living beautifully and authentically within a predetermined structure. For some, it's having pets and letting that be structure enough.

And for so many others, it's neither of those, it’s just existing in beautiful Queerness.

And that’s enough.

Simply existing is a radical act for many Queer folk because of how we’re viewed in society, but also because of how we relate to death. Queer people are often faced with our own mortality in a way that affects our sense of time. Without the assumption of children, our impact is confined to one lifetime rather than the amorphous lineage of those who might come after. This brings a sense of immediacy but also a vibrancy that has defined Queerness for millennia.

What to Do When You’re In It?

When I'm feeling behind, I think about Harvey Milk, one of my all-time personal heroes. The majority of his life was spent on the East Coast, but he is mainly remembered for the last six years of his life in San Francisco, where he moved when he was 42. This proves that there's no age at which you need to make a difference. He would not have been included on any 30 under 30 list, and yet he is one of the most influential people in how I live my life. And he had no clue that he would do that. He was assassinated 17 years before I was born. So, who knows, something that I do could inspire someone born long after I'm gone.

There's no timeline. Not even after death.

Harvey Milk in San Francisco

So when you're in it, just fucking own it. Acknowledge that those feelings are there, and then see what you can do with them. If you feel like you're behind, maybe that just means you feel younger than you're supposed to be. In that case, relish in your youth. We're always being told to grow up, but then the one thing people talk about is how they wish they could be younger. So don't you dare act your age. Act youthful; act joyful.

If you feel behind in your career (like I do right now), find ways to get a bit of your agency back. This may look like making new opportunities. Maybe try reframing the timeline around your Queerness. Give yourself a few extra years and see how you feel. How would you feel about your accomplishments if you were x amount of years younger? Different? Good, then give yourself some grace and be proud. You're persevering.

And remember that perseverance doesn't actually feel good. Resilience feels like frustration, but pushing through that is what makes us grow, no matter how dark it may seem.

Another thing that it may help to keep in mind is that timelines are built in normal times. This is not a normal time. In any sense of the word. The timelines that we're comparing ourselves to are most likely from the times we grew up in. But no one can afford a house anymore. No one can afford kids anymore. The economic uncertainty is making all types of jobs disappear or slow down.

For me, I think about the fact that the entire face of acting in both theatre and film has shifted due to COVID, a writer's strike, the rise of AI, and an antagonistic government slashing funding. The world is changing so quickly, and our dated perceptions of timelines cannot keep up in the slightest.

And those perceptions are all made up anyway! There actually is no timeline. There's just a linear pattern that we try to adhere to because we want to give our lives meaning in some way. It is never too late to change course or try new things. It's never too late to blow up your life and start over. If anything, starting over will give you a huge advantage because you'll be starting over, but with a whole host of experiences and insights from your life already.

So, if you're feeling behind, know that I'm right there with you. And what I really try to hold on to are my two metrics for what matters: joy and growth. If what you're feeling doesn't serve either of those two things (and I bet they're definitely not serving joy), then see if you can redirect your energy toward things that do. If you're feeling behind, try looking for things that make you feel joyous instead. You may find surprising insights about what brings you joy and what you can leave behind.

The present is the only time that matters. Take a deep breath and take stock of the beautiful body that you're in, on exactly the right path you're supposed to be on.

There's no timeline. You're not behind.

You're exactly where you're supposed to be.