Searching For Forgiveness on Needless Street
Searching For Forgiveness on Needless Street
Can you really forgive someone on your own?
See that ❤️ icon? Would you mind just giving it a little click for me?
Howdy, y'all! I'm coming at ya from the Capital of Country: Nashville. I made sure to try some of their infamous Hot Chicken last night, and today, we opened the show at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center. It's not quite as architecturally creative as last week, but it is still quite a stunning theatre. But I digress, read on below for another nonprofit, some drag, a serial killer, and thoughts on forgiveness.
This week's nonprofit here in Nashville is a subset of the Oasis Center called Just Us.
"Just Us programming is designed to create a safe and affirming space where
all LGBTQ+ youth can feel empowered to explore and celebrate their
identities and express themselves authentically while building connections
and community with their LGBTQ+ peers."
Just Us and Becoming Us are youth empowerment programs for high and middle school youth, respectively. Both programs offer weekly on-site facilitated conversations around various youth-relevant topics, service learning, college and career access, gender-affirming supports, community enrichment, and access to mental health support. They have also added a virtual option post-pandemic.
They also have Students of Stonewall (SOS), a group of high school juniors and seniors from all over Tennessee. They come together to learn skills to help them create positive change in their communities. SOS works to transform Nashville into an open and affirming community for all people.
They also provide individual counseling services specifically for LGBTQ+ youth that are completely free to both youth and their families. The therapists can also connect youth to other resources like gender-affirming care, support groups, and additional LGBTQ+ programs.
This past summer, they also had Just Camp, where kids participated in events at libraries and theatres; they helped with community clean-up, kayaked, and even 'adopted' a mini horse! They also made a magazine focusing on the forgotten history of LGBTQ+ people in the South. I wish I had had something so nurturing and creative when I was growing up; how cool!
Your donations will go towards helping to hire another LGBTQ+ therapist and middle school program specialist. They will also help them mail program-related items to remote participants and help Just Us find new long-term community partnerships! This is the second to last week, so I appreciate your $5 even more than you know!
This week's historical figure is someone deeply ingrained in the Nashville scene: Bianca Paige, the Pantomime Rage. Bianca was the reigning drag queen of Nashville for over two decades before she succumbed to lymphoma in 2010. But her legacy lives on, and in 2021, they named a street after her! Here's an annotated article by Erica Ciccarone interviewing Bianca's best friend, Ron Sanford.
"With cat-like eyes and a statuesque figure, Bianca could command a room. Her specialty was lip-synching, and you can find her performing as Melissa Etheridge, Celine Dion, Eartha Kitt, and others on YouTube. She also played MC, doing stand-up at Nashville clubs.
"Picture it," she says in one video, gaudy rhinestone earrings dangling down to her shoulders as her voice — coarse as sandpaper — contrasts with her glamorous getup. "Bowling Green, Kentucky. A fag was born." The crowd howls. "Calling Mr. Tail," she continues. "Mr. Cock Tail. Please report to Bianca's throat as soon as possible."
Offstage...Middleton was "the perfect gentleman — just the perfect person… Mark and Bianca were totally different. Mark was very much the man, and Bianca was very much the woman. It was an acting job for him."
But circumstances of the AIDS epidemic soon gave that job a new dimension. Middleton was diagnosed with HIV in the mid-'90s, and he decided he wouldn't avoid the topic. Instead, he took it to the stage. "Mark decided that he was going to be the one — to be the only performer — to use his stage and his persona to get it out there. He was determined to not only tell kids and people what was going on, but to get tested and to know your status."
Oftentimes, Sanford would be closing down the Nashville club he managed at 5 a.m., and he'd find Middleton outside talking to young people who'd waited for him to take off his makeup and come downstairs. There, Middleton would hold what he and Sanford called "church." The young people were often recently diagnosed. Bianca had made them feel seen and understood, and Middleton could talk to them about living with HIV. For years, Bianca's last act of the night was a dedication to those the community had lost to AIDS, and Middleton donated the tips Bianca earned to Vanderbilt University Medical Center's Pediatric and Adolescent HIV/AIDS Clinic. Along with hosting charity events and working with other organizations such as Nashville Cares, Middleton donated $1 million to HIV/AIDS treatment and research.
Together, Sanford and Middleton founded the Bianca Paige Awareness Network to keep educating the community and destigmatizing the virus. That work continues to this day — but without Middleton. His memorial service at the Vanderbilt Plaza drew several hundred friends and fans who celebrated his life and impact. He used to say, 'My talent is God's gift to me. What I do with that talent is my gift to God and my community.' I think he meant that. .... We have to keep the name out there and get people revitalized with it."
And to honor her memory, I leave you with her incredible performance of "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" in the spring of 1997.
My friend Nick Prey recommended The Last House on Needless Street this past week, and I finished it in approximately two days. I'm a fast reader, but this was quite speedy even for me. I could not put it down and haven't been so completely engrossed and addicted to a book like this in quite a while. Now, I'll preface by saying that this book may not be many people's cup of tea. The back of the book reads, "This is the story of a serial killer. A stolen child. Revenge. Death. And an ordinary house at the end of an ordinary street. All these things are true. And yet they are all lies..." So, obviously, it's a spooky horror book about a serial killer, but it is so much more than that.
I'm trying to figure out how to talk about it without ruining any of the incredible twists, which is very hard. One of the selling points is that one of the POV characters is a highly-religious lesbian cat. And Catriona Ward, the author, writes so well that you don't even question how wild what it is you're reading. It makes perfect sense. And beyond the characters, her prose is also beautifully constructed. She manages to build tension while conjuring such beautiful images. The book is set in the Pacific Northwest, and I felt as though I could perfectly picture every single setting she described. So, if you're looking for a quick, addictive read, I promise you that you will not be disappointed. Stick with it til the end, and then tell me about it!
As I walked out of the YMCA here in Nashville, I saw a little wicker basket with a sign that said 'spiritual vitamins.' It was filled with little folded pieces of paper, and I, ever curious, grabbed one. It read:
I thought this would be a really great follow-up to my musing last week about coming back to the table (if you missed it, read it here). Forgiveness and coming back to the table are intrinsically linked, and it's a fascinating school of thought that forgiveness can be a one-person adventure.
I see it as four camps, sort of a Punnett Square of conflict. Obviously, this is super reductive, and conflict is rarely so black and white, but I think this is a helpful structure for me to think about. So let's take Person A (victim) and Person B (perpetrator); Person A gets to/needs to forgive Person B for something they've done. With our Punnett Square, we have four options:
A Involved & B Involved: This seems to be the most hopeful situation and the closest to what I explored last week. With both participants involved in the healing process, they can both come back to the table and figure out how to reconcile. This may take plenty of time and may not be linear, but it will probably be the most productive.
A Absent & B Involved: This option seems a bit contradictory now that I'm writing it. If A has removed themselves from the situation, then how can they forgive if B is still trying to make amends? If B is continually trying to make amends or wants to, then I would give this case time. Clearly, A is unwilling to forgive at that moment for whatever reason, and the best thing that B can do is just give space for the healing to occur. Maybe they can let them know that they'll be there on the other side, but it is B's duty to allow A the space that they need to process on their own. If B tries to force A's hand, then there will only be more resentment, and the two will not be able to truly come back together down the line.
A Involved & B Absent: This one is closest to what the quote says. A has been wronged, and for some reason, B is not around to make amends. This could be because B doesn't know that they wronged the person, are no longer contactable, or do not want to make amends. Whatever the reason, the onus is now put on the person who has been hurt to forgive, and that is just for their own sake and sanity. I do think this is possible, but it is wildly difficult. You see, I'm an anxious thinker. My anxiety manifests primarily by having conversations with people in my head, looking for every conversation path to prepare myself for the eventual conversation. This makes me spend so much time on something that is not worth the brain space or cortisol levels. But it's really hard for me to let go of things that I see as unfinished. So, while I do think it's possible to forgive someone without their involvement, it takes someone with a will far beyond my own. And I think it takes a lot of time, too. I once read that it takes about half the time of a relationship to 'get over' your partner (again, very reductive). But there's an element of truth: our feelings are sticky and clingy and leave a residue that lingers for a long time. You can say you forgive someone and believe it, but find that down the line that there are still things lingering around in the back of your brain.
A Absent & B Absent: This is probably the saddest of the cases. For whatever reason, neither party is willing to put in the work to heal the rift. A doesn't want forgiveness, and B doesn't want to give it to them. I fail to see a way in which this circumstance could happen and the two remain in each other's lives.
So, after all that, I think it's definitely possible to forgive someone on your own. I don't think it's the easiest or fastest solution towards healing, but if the person who has wronged you is unable or unwilling to help your healing process, then you can take it into your own hands. But in order to truly forgive someone, you have to go through the hurt and through the emotions; going around them will only bury something that will come up later.
Does this reframe a past wrong that you’ve been involved in? Are there ways that you can let go of past hurts and offer them up to the healing of time? Or is there someone you need to give space to in order to let them forgive you?
Well, that's all from me again this week, y'all. I'll be enjoying the warm(ish) Nashville sunshine and hope that you are all staying sane in these worst weeks of winter.
I love your Punnet square, Aidan. And I appreciated your musings and insights. I've done a lot of work with forgiveness, especially over the past couple of decades, and here's what I've arrived at for myself. Sorry if this is a little long, but you got me thinking!
Both parties involved is the ideal, and we need to remember that, as a former colleague of mine used to say, "It's a mighty thin pancake that doesn't have two sides." It's rare that one person is all to blame, and I've found the best road to healing is to own your part in things first, make your amends, and then see if the other person follows suit. If they do, then you have your ideal A & B involved healing.
If they don't, then you are now B in the "B involved, A absent" scenario, and though it might feel disappointing not to be forgiven by the other person, you have at least made the effort to keep your side of the street clean. If A is absent because you cannot find them, or they died, you can keep doing right by them however possible to make "living amends." And if they don't want anything to do with you, you can cast your good wishes for them out into the Universe and do your best to move on.
If B doesn't agree that they have wronged A, it will do no good for A to forgive them directly. In fact, the forgiveness could just make B infuriated because it's presumptuous. We see this scenario enacted in TV shows a lot. "YOU forgive ME? Are you f*@$ing kidding me?" But there is peace of mind that comes with being able to forgive someone privately. It's a release of baggage that can otherwise cause great stress and suffering, and if unattended, can manifest as disease. Internalized anger and resentment can literally kill you. Forgiveness in the absence of the other person's apology or amends is not easily done, but it helps to remember it's for yourself and not the other person, since they are not involved. I've sometimes discovered feelings rearing up years later, showing me I hadn't forgiven someone I thought I had, so I have to go through the process again. I'm like you in that I can get a bit obsessive in my brain about this stuff (Are you a Pisces by any chance?), but it's important to work with runaway thoughts and rein them in when they are not serving a helpful purpose. I have practices that help me with that: meditation, walks in nature, yoga or other exercise, or just dumping it all in a letter I don't send.
Your last one, both parties absent, can feel sad, it's true. I've come to feel that some friendships and love relationships run their course and are only meant to last a limited time. If both people find the relationship toxic or codependent, then letting go of one another might be a good thing, even if there is no conversation about it. It might feel bittersweet, and yeah, it would feel better if they could talk it through and let go more lovingly, but sometimes it just isn't possible and is better for one's peace of mind to let go of a person and relationship, rather than try to talk to a person who won't hear them or open the door to resuming an unhealthy relationship.
I hope this is useful to you, but either way, I appreciate the thought process your post sparked in me.
I can't wait to see your show!
Such a glorious read. Love the musings