I love your Punnet square, Aidan. And I appreciated your musings and insights. I've done a lot of work with forgiveness, especially over the past couple of decades, and here's what I've arrived at for myself. Sorry if this is a little long, but you got me thinking!
Both parties involved is the ideal, and we need to remember that, as a former colleague of mine used to say, "It's a mighty thin pancake that doesn't have two sides." It's rare that one person is all to blame, and I've found the best road to healing is to own your part in things first, make your amends, and then see if the other person follows suit. If they do, then you have your ideal A & B involved healing.
If they don't, then you are now B in the "B involved, A absent" scenario, and though it might feel disappointing not to be forgiven by the other person, you have at least made the effort to keep your side of the street clean. If A is absent because you cannot find them, or they died, you can keep doing right by them however possible to make "living amends." And if they don't want anything to do with you, you can cast your good wishes for them out into the Universe and do your best to move on.
If B doesn't agree that they have wronged A, it will do no good for A to forgive them directly. In fact, the forgiveness could just make B infuriated because it's presumptuous. We see this scenario enacted in TV shows a lot. "YOU forgive ME? Are you f*@$ing kidding me?" But there is peace of mind that comes with being able to forgive someone privately. It's a release of baggage that can otherwise cause great stress and suffering, and if unattended, can manifest as disease. Internalized anger and resentment can literally kill you. Forgiveness in the absence of the other person's apology or amends is not easily done, but it helps to remember it's for yourself and not the other person, since they are not involved. I've sometimes discovered feelings rearing up years later, showing me I hadn't forgiven someone I thought I had, so I have to go through the process again. I'm like you in that I can get a bit obsessive in my brain about this stuff (Are you a Pisces by any chance?), but it's important to work with runaway thoughts and rein them in when they are not serving a helpful purpose. I have practices that help me with that: meditation, walks in nature, yoga or other exercise, or just dumping it all in a letter I don't send.
Your last one, both parties absent, can feel sad, it's true. I've come to feel that some friendships and love relationships run their course and are only meant to last a limited time. If both people find the relationship toxic or codependent, then letting go of one another might be a good thing, even if there is no conversation about it. It might feel bittersweet, and yeah, it would feel better if they could talk it through and let go more lovingly, but sometimes it just isn't possible and is better for one's peace of mind to let go of a person and relationship, rather than try to talk to a person who won't hear them or open the door to resuming an unhealthy relationship.
I hope this is useful to you, but either way, I appreciate the thought process your post sparked in me.
I love your Punnet square, Aidan. And I appreciated your musings and insights. I've done a lot of work with forgiveness, especially over the past couple of decades, and here's what I've arrived at for myself. Sorry if this is a little long, but you got me thinking!
Both parties involved is the ideal, and we need to remember that, as a former colleague of mine used to say, "It's a mighty thin pancake that doesn't have two sides." It's rare that one person is all to blame, and I've found the best road to healing is to own your part in things first, make your amends, and then see if the other person follows suit. If they do, then you have your ideal A & B involved healing.
If they don't, then you are now B in the "B involved, A absent" scenario, and though it might feel disappointing not to be forgiven by the other person, you have at least made the effort to keep your side of the street clean. If A is absent because you cannot find them, or they died, you can keep doing right by them however possible to make "living amends." And if they don't want anything to do with you, you can cast your good wishes for them out into the Universe and do your best to move on.
If B doesn't agree that they have wronged A, it will do no good for A to forgive them directly. In fact, the forgiveness could just make B infuriated because it's presumptuous. We see this scenario enacted in TV shows a lot. "YOU forgive ME? Are you f*@$ing kidding me?" But there is peace of mind that comes with being able to forgive someone privately. It's a release of baggage that can otherwise cause great stress and suffering, and if unattended, can manifest as disease. Internalized anger and resentment can literally kill you. Forgiveness in the absence of the other person's apology or amends is not easily done, but it helps to remember it's for yourself and not the other person, since they are not involved. I've sometimes discovered feelings rearing up years later, showing me I hadn't forgiven someone I thought I had, so I have to go through the process again. I'm like you in that I can get a bit obsessive in my brain about this stuff (Are you a Pisces by any chance?), but it's important to work with runaway thoughts and rein them in when they are not serving a helpful purpose. I have practices that help me with that: meditation, walks in nature, yoga or other exercise, or just dumping it all in a letter I don't send.
Your last one, both parties absent, can feel sad, it's true. I've come to feel that some friendships and love relationships run their course and are only meant to last a limited time. If both people find the relationship toxic or codependent, then letting go of one another might be a good thing, even if there is no conversation about it. It might feel bittersweet, and yeah, it would feel better if they could talk it through and let go more lovingly, but sometimes it just isn't possible and is better for one's peace of mind to let go of a person and relationship, rather than try to talk to a person who won't hear them or open the door to resuming an unhealthy relationship.
I hope this is useful to you, but either way, I appreciate the thought process your post sparked in me.
I can't wait to see your show!
Such a glorious read. Love the musings
Best damn well written blog ever ‼️💖