Why Do People Hate Open Relationships So Much?

A Simple Question with a Complex Answer

“Open relationships are a sign of weakness.”

“Shoot me if I ever have to listen to this drivel again.“

“Stop being scumbags and stay single if you feel you have to be open.”

“This guys is making stuff so he can justify his own manipulation in his open relationship. Nasty self-absorbed behavior.”

“Somehow this handsome man hasn’t gotten enough attention from somebody in his life.. and that’s a sad, sad thing because he feels the need to come here and say stupid things like this.”

These are just a few comments I’ve received in the past few days about my open relationship. It seems like our alternative to monogamy is something people cannot tolerate

Now, a few days out, the initial shock has worn off, and I’m left with sadness; sadness because here is a shining example of how callous people can be. I personally would never go onto someone else’s content and be rude simply for the sake of being rude, but that’s just me. So, when I see all these private profiles, with no followers and no profile pictures, my heart aches for them. I cannot know what they’re going through that makes my happy relationship seem like such a threat.

In times like these, I think of Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, which I first read in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how a strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marked by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly.”

These people are not in the arena with me. They are outside the arena, jeering at a relationship they do not want to understand, even though it scares them deeply. I can rationally understand that, and it does not bother me.

What does bother me is that they’re making assumptions about my relationship with my husband based on a 50-second clip with no desire to learn more. If they wanted to have a real conversation about openness and our contrasting views, I would adore that. But they never re-engage; they just put their little bit of hate into the world and move on.

Their hate has made me and Casey even more steadfast in our convictions. We’re seeing exactly why people need the visibility we’re putting out there. We’re not trying to help the 100 or so people who commented. We’re trying to help the 50,000 people who saw the video without commenting and the 1,000 people who liked it.

Why Are People So Pressed?

These comments have made me contemplate why open relationships seem to make people so irrationally angry. Why do two people being happy with other people trigger such deep-rooted rage, calling into question faithfulness, commitment, sluttiness, and even weakness?

Here are a few of the arguments we’ve received so far:

One: If you’re sleeping with someone else, it’s not a real relationship.

A connection between two people is a relationship. You are in a relationship with your friends, family, lovers, acquaintances, and even your community. While we may not call it a monogamous relationship, we certainly are in a relationship (in fact, many).

Two: You can’t commit.

Commitment means “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.” By that definition, I’m completely dedicated to my husband. However, most people’s definition of commitment is rooted in monogamy. Mine is not. Even so, I wake up every day and choose my husband, and if that isn’t commitment, I’m not sure what is.

Three: You’re using it as a coping mechanism and need therapy.

This one makes me laugh because we are both in therapy, and we’re so aware of our coping mechanisms that we know exactly why we do what we do. Can sex and external flirting be used as validation at times? Sure. But have they ever threatened our relationship? No.

Four: One of you is lying to the other. Just wait until he cheats on you.

This one reeks of past hurt, so I can’t argue with the commenter’s history. But I can say that I’ve been cheated on multiple times in monogamous relationships and never in open ones. In fact, openness has healed the very parts of our relationship that this person is calling out.

Five: You can’t control yourself. You’re weak.

Weakness is subjective, and control is a mindset. I would never want to control my partner or deny him happiness because I need to dictate how he loves me. I know he loves me, and the experiences we have with other people have not weakened our love. Dare I say, they’ve actually made it, and us, stronger.

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These judgements reek of fear, mistrust, and past hurts. For that, I empathize and recognize that some of these arguments can be true for some open relationships. They’re not true for ours, and contrary to the people on the internet, Casey and I know our relationship best.

What’s really happening here is that open relationships and other forms of non-monogamy call into question the very ideals of commitment and love that we’ve been conditioned to believe for thousands of years. I think many of those beliefs are antithetical to how humans actually work, but it is wildly destabilizing to have your beliefs about love questioned. Especially because we’re taught that love isn’t something you have to work at.

Love is work. Love is the daily act of building something with your partner. Love is complicated and messy. That doesn’t make it weak or wrong; that makes it human, rich with depth and character. I had to learn this from trial after trial and error after error. I pieced together bits of research and asked questions of the mentors I trusted, because there was no guidebook for the open relationship Casey and I have built. That is why we are being so publicly vocal about it.

Come Adventure With Us

Casey and I firmly believe that we are practicing our open relationship in a very healthy, very communicative way with a degree of maturity that folks say they’ve never seen before. Even Casey’s therapist says ours is one of the healthiest open relationship he’s ever seen. This is why we want to be role models for the community in this way. It took us years to iron out all the kinks in this relationship, and if we had had role models to look up to, we could have saved so much time and pain.

I won’t be engaging with the haters anymore, but I know that the more we talk about our relationship online, the more hate we will attract. But we will also attract more kind people, more supportive people, more people to become friends with, and more people to have nuanced, thoughtful conversations with. Because at the end of the day, what I’m writing about isn’t just applicable to open relationships, it applies to all relationships.

We should all be having more effective communication with our partners. We should all be having deeper conversations about insecurities and what boundaries look like and what we’re comfortable with at all times. We should all explore what jealousy is trying to tell us. We should all be trying to build a more robust network of friends, acquaintances, and community.

I may be practicing that more because of my status in an open relationship, but doesn’t that sound nice? Don’t you want more connection and community, more friendship and joy in your life? Perhaps even a bit more freedom, all the while bringing you closer to your partner than you were before?

I know that that is what works for Casey and me. It might not work for you. Our relationship is ours, and yours is yours. But I know that the lessons we’ve learned can be helpful to all people if your mind is open enough to receive them.

Life is too short to be cruel. Come be happy on this adventure with us instead.

Now, to combat some of the hate we’ve received, it would mean so much to us if you left just a little comment of positivity. ♥️🏳️‍🌈♥️